Hi, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I do apologize for not writing more often. I lack the spoons to do so a lot of the time. This is one of those rare times I actually feel like I have the spoons—and something worthwhile to write about.
I find it hard to write for this site. Honestly. I struggle to find words a lot of the time and I think what I want to say is not that interesting so I simply don’t say it. This problem absolutely isn’t helped by the fact I tend to write a title with an idea in mind that I want to talk about, before actually writing it.
Like right now. I have a title written. It’s called “Moving On From The Past.” This isn’t what this post is about so far. I’m probably going to delete this title and replace it with something else by the end of it. Though, that’s exactly what I want to talk about currently. The past.
I’m going to preface this entire thing by saying I’m writing this on my phone right now since my laptop is currently broken and in the shop. Hopefully on Wednesday/Thursday I get a call saying that it’s fixed, but Friday is the latest they’ll call and tell me that. Maybe that’s what makes this so much easier to write—I can’t control+a my entire post away. It’s more involved.
I digress. The past is something I’ve long sought to distance myself from. Over the next few weeks, I’m hoping to actually explain why I’m choosing to do this. For now, I hope my simple explanation of “it’s complicated, trust me on this” will suffice for now.
Every so often, I go through my Discord and clear out servers that I simply don’t care about anymore, along with those on my friend-list I simply don’t talk to anymore. I mostly do this when I’m feeling down, and know something needs to change, but I’m not sure what. Tonight was, (is?), one of those nights.
There’s a lot left unsatisfactory about my life currently, and a lot of this stems from the past. Things outside of my control that I was merely forced to be a bystander to. I still feel the pain of things that occurred a couple of years ago to this very day.
I think part of this stems from COVID. The fact we were all forced to isolate. It left me more isolated than I already was and I went through some stuff because of it. None of it was pretty. Even though because of it, we’re all more connected than ever, I still feel even more isolated.
I feel part of it truly is because of my job. I work the nightshift. 2/3/4 till 9/10/11 at night. I don’t go to sleep until early, early morning, because I don’t want to spend most of my day sleeping. Most people I talk to are asleep at this time. It’s hard trying to remain social when you work late at night and sleep during the day.
Something needs to change though. I don’t know what it is, but I need to move on from things that still haunt me. I need to face my demons head-on.