I wanted to talk about something a little personal today, in hopes that maybe – just maybe this will get me to write more things that are deeply personal to me. Maybe it won’t, and this post will forever remain unposted. I don’t know. But, the topic is pretty simple. It’s depression. Something everyone will deal with at one point in their life, whether they want to or not.
Depression is a cancer. It’s the worst type of cancer, in my eyes. So many forms that it can take, and so many different ways it can appear. I’d like to talk about mine instead. My depression, is seasonal, on top of general dysthymia—a milder form of depression. The two combined genuinely do suck most of the life and energy out of me. It’s painful to actually do basic tasks currently because I simply don’t have the energy for them.
Writing this post, right now, is a struggle for me because of it. I’d rather be laying on my bed doing nothing productive, because it genuinely just sucks to deal with. But I’m trying. I’m trying to force myself to do things and not just lay in bed all day because I’m depressed and not wanting to do stuff. But I can’t help but think about last year, and how things might be different if things just turned out slightly differently.
Around this time of the year, last year, I was still in college. They moved us to the apartments just directly off campus because of COVID concerns. I was fine with it, but it was a lot of work moving stuff ten minutes across the campus. When I wasn’t moving stuff? I was asleep, or on my bed, trying to keep my mind off the depressive thoughts in my mind. I know last year, there were a lot of thoughts going on, since that was really the first x-mas I spent alone.
2019’s was fine. I had someone else there and a few people who were available online, but last year? Not really. And this year, it was kinda the same thing, which leads into this thought of last year, and how things might’ve been different. An exercise in futility, if you will.
Well, it’s winter again, and I’m dreading it. I’m dreading the winter, because around the time of the solstice, my depression starts getting really bad, and will remain bad until about March, when the spring solstice happens, where it’ll go away again. It always starts in October for me, when the days start getting noticeably shorter. Maybe this year will go differently. Maybe it won’t. All I know is that it’s an uphill battle to continue trying to push forwards, and I’m currently losing the battle.